Having a hurt kid will make you bitter or it will make you better.
You won't stay the same... that's for sure.
This is certainly true of you as an individual... but it's maybe even more true of your marriage (if you're married).
Being that it's Valentine's Day, I'm thinking about what having a hurt kid has done to our marriage. For starters, Kim and I spent Valentine's Day this year in a frigid auditorium 6 hours away from our home where we listened to about 10 hours of lectures on how to help our hurt kid. It was helpful... but it was brutal! I don't like to sit still for much longer than 10 minutes, let alone 10 hours! :) But it was good. So that's one way our hurt child has affected our marriage.
But there are some much bigger ways that a hurt kid will affect your marriage beyond how you spend your Valentine's Days. In short, having a hurt kid will either make you bitter (the kind of person that nobody wants to be around) or it will make you better (the kind of person your family needs you to be). Kim and I realized fairly early on that these were our two options and we quickly committed ourselves to growing closer together and not allowing the difficulties of what we were facing to push us apart.
A friend recently reminded me that there are three postures that couples can take in their marriage together: 1) Back to Back, 2) Side by Side, or 3) Face to Face.
The back to back posture is when two people live in the same house but lead two separate lives. They are legally married but their hearts and their lives are going in two different directions. Communication is minimal. This couple is more like roommates than soulmates.
Side by side is when we work together to accomplish what needs done. Communication revolves mainly around working out the details of who is going to do what: "I'll cook dinner if you can pick the kids up" kind of stuff. And this couple is a good team but still not everything a married couple should be.
Face to face is when we live our lives together truly knowing and loving each other. Communication is more intimate and goes beyond communicating information to exposing who we are and exploring who the other person is. This couple truly experiences what marraige can and should be.
Without question, every married couple who has kids (and a hurt kid at that) will have a lot of side by side time when you are "getting the job done" together. But I think one of the most important keys to becoming better as a couple and not becoming bitter is healthy doses of face to face time. We need to make it a priority to stay close to each other and allow our spouse to know us better as we get to know them better. I don't think this ever happens on accident. We have to make it happen.
So this Valentine's Day (or whenever you're reading this) make it a priority to get some face to face time with your valentine and do it soon! It could be the difference in whether you get bitter or whether you get better. Your child needs you to be better and so does your spouse.
